Ta-da!

A wonderful come back of mine. Well, I'm doing real fine, the depression has gone as I'm no longer working in that depressing office. One week I'm unemployed, and my wallet is running out of cash. (there's not much left in the bank account, as usual) Do not ask me I spent them on what, because neither do I got the idea where and when the heck I'd used the money. tsk, tsk. yeah, I'm a poor money saver. Alright. I always say I'm working on my plan yet I never really take any action for it. This time, I had actually made a move by renewed my passport, and translated my birth certificate. Yes, stick to the old plan, I'm still going to France. Relying on my family's financial situation right now, I will only worsen the crisis if I enrol for private college now so why not take the advantage of my father for having friends at overseas and work for them to earn myself some pocket money and support my family a little? Okay, when I say taking advantage of somebody else, it doesn't mean in a negative way. I'll do whatever I can just to entertain people around me, but definitely not in crimes or anything bad. (different story if it brings more and irresistable fortunes) Yeah, I was just kidding, lol. Right, I'm quite sure that all of the relatives got the news out from nowhere and spreaded out faster than I had expected. But until now, as long as the flight ticket hasn't be confirmed, I can't guarantee anything. What I can say now is, like I always said, I will try my best, I will try my best, again, and again. People got no faith in me, my parents, my relatives, my friends, and even myself couldn't assure that I'll be having what kind of life when I'm there since I'm always this joker kind of guy and never take anything seriously. But who knows? The only thing I can assure is, I can finally get out of this crappy life of mine here; no more family arguments, no more annoying sister, no more eyesore peers, and no more lousy BN. If you ask me is there anything that can make me stay, I'll say NO, NO, NO, and I'd like a window seat, please. XOXO.

20.

if for numerous time things went wrongly, you will eventually realize that you are the source where the problems came from. and for countless time I had cheated myself, telling that everything is gonna be in the way at the end, and keep on living in my dream. cousins' talks on Monday was like a big hit on my head, and it wakes me out of the hell.
yes, cousins' help sure is much better than any of the elder in the family. they do know what's in my mind, not much, but at least they can guess what's inside my head as they are just elder by me few years.


I'm 20 this year. there's still a long way for me to go in order to get what I wanted. as YingFei said, don't live in denial anymore.
I know I've wasting too much of time waiting for an answer that would take me so long. thus, waste no time, I need to confirm everything and work for my future. further my studies will be my first priority. and I know this will cause another commotion in the family. but I'll do well. 


lastly, here's a song for my summer. sharing is caring.

XOXO.

Crisis.

seriously I don't know how to start all these. it's been quite some while since I did my last reading. okay, let's begin with what I'd done lately. being emotional most of the time, like, probably half of the month of July. I tried to be as optimistic as I can, so I do what I can do to distract myself. however, problems seems to be coming constantly, and it worsen my mood more when I wanted to be alone so badly, but I just can't get rid of those annoyances around me. sometimes, I feel like wanted to call someone, but I didn't. I just need more time to think back on what's wrong with me, and what's waiting ahead to be solve by all my own.

I don't know what to do.

I have been having myself in this state for so long. I know I'm not alone, and I know that my family are always there to help me to deal with my uncertainties. but how are they gonna help me, when we never had a real and serious conversation before? and this is one of the factor that pushed me into emoness. repeating the same routines everyday made me had the thought, that life is meaningless. I had waste my years in high school, I had waste my time on fooling around like a kid. and now, everything seemed so out of reach. even though I tried to get them.

my family wanted me to be a real man. and I want it either. In fact, I told myself that I must do something to overcome my family's financial problem at the moment, but I can't do anything. everything is out of order. and it saddening more when I discovered that I ain't going nowhere... I'm stucked. unlike all my cousins that leading a carefree life and pursuing their dreams here, or overseas, I'm going nowhere in no time. I had to say, I'm useless and disgraceful. shame on myself. but I don't care, honestly. and this made my family started to give up on me. I know, my own fault. only if I got strong determination.

you might have no idea on what am I talking about. even myself are not sure what I'm trying to tell. like I said, I'm a mess. and, you'll have to notice by your own if I have any updates next time. I don't wanted to be categorized as an attention seeker.

I'm not Emo.

went to Bon Odori, a Japanese Festival with my cousins last Saturday. it was my first time to be there and danced like a madman. It was, indeed a happy evening. let the photos do the talking and here's some of the photos I stole from my cousin:

arranged in random order, forgive my laziness.

we looked happy right? yeah, we were, definitely.
and, the end of the happy-talking already. don't know what is so wrong with me these days. too much of contagious dramas have been sipped into my brain and now it's showing the sign that I'm getting emotional lately. okay, for your information, my schedule was packed for last two weeks, hanging out with friends sure made my days joyful, however, there's something rolling in my mind. I'm not sure what it may be but it might be David Cook's Permanent-effect still affecting me I guess, lol.

Emo songs are for Emo-s. obviously, I'm not in this Emo group but why am I still listening to them. what the hell... yeah, and I'm obviously in the state of denial. I'm emo, I'm emo, I'm emo.

I'm emo because nothing's going smoothly,

I'm emo because my life's a mess,

and I'm emo because of everything.

lastly, share you guys another emo song, whether you'd listen to it before or not, enjoy the emo-ness.

XOXO, later.

Sibling Rivalry.

yes, here am I, to discuss my family matters, again. last time I've talked about my dad and felt sorry for it, plus I got stabbed by relatives from behind so this time, no more daddy and mommy stuffs today as I finally figured out; do not accuse your parents when you don't know what have they been through. okay, back to the topic, I'm definitely not a kind a patient guy, especially when I'm dealing with my siblings. well, FYI I have got one sister, an elder brother and a younger one, and we do not talk to each other. the conversations between us in a day will never exceed 5 sentences.

for some reasons unclear, I hated them in every way, and the one I hated the most will be my sister. She's an ultimate-completed form of a b*tch. I could never see anyone that is more than a b*tch like her. she's got a big mouth that complains almost everything and I couldn't stand her stupid noises when she's eating. she chews like no one is around and the noise is so darn irritating. and every time I flashed her an angry look, she pretend like she didn't see it. besides, she's got an even uglier attitude. she's selfish, self-centered, fake. and not to mention she's going to get married by September or October I forgot and HELL, I can never imagine she'd actually found a guy that can tolerate with her idiotic-stupidity and nonsenses. I know, sounds disrespectful but I'm just telling the truth.


looking all the people around me can mixed up so well with their siblings makes my hair stand. they can chat and share secrets like friends while we argued and keep secrets to ourselves like rivals. we don't even share things like shirts and soaps and shampoos. not just that, we even got things that we can't lay our hands on. bolsters, pillow, bed and blanket. funny right? yeah, that's rule number one: No Sharing.


seriously I don't know how or when we developed selfishness among ourselves.  I'm more generous towards my friends and almost everyone, but not my siblings. no matter how many times my parents taught me to be kind and generous to them, I just let it slipped away through my right ear. I mean, why should I treat them that good while they treated me badly? especially my sister. scram for all I care!

Back to school.

like I'm the one going to school, lol.

well apparently school day is here, again. and most of my friends are going to further their studies in either private colleges or local universities, while I'm still working to earn myself some little money. even though I wanted badly to go study in school, the only thing that I need to do now would be WAIT. wait, and wait again.

clearly I've told my father that I'll be needing exactly a year in order to reach the requirement of proficiency in French. and only then I may proceed to public universities there, and I got not much time to get my passport renewed, translate my birth certificate and apply for the Visa. oh, and contact the campusfrance guy to help me enroll for a school there.

there's nothing else can I do other than wait. procrastination is extremely common in my family. yeah, I haven't get my bike license yet by the way.

*sigh*

Goodbye grandma.

time flies. it's already Thursday, and 3 more days will be one week after grandmother's death.


well, apparently everyone was in grieve but there's nothing we can do as we've already predicted her death will be soon, right after we've heard the news that she had lungs cancer about half a year ago. and all of us had got ourselves prepared for the worst.


okay, I'm sad too, of course. and although I'm not grandmother's favourites, she did praised me a lot and I treated her with respect.
she was a tough and stubborn woman.


let's go back to Friday where my mum received call from my youngest uncle, saying that grandmother's in critical state now and thus, mum decided go back to Ipoh on Saturday. reluctantly, I agreed at first but now I'm glad, and relieved that I'd followed them. at least I'm with her when she breathed her last breath.


Saturday, when we reached, what we saw was grandmother lying on her bed in the living room with breathing tube inserted. she looked frail and so sick that she can't even open her eyes, or move. uncle said she has been like that after coming back from hospital. she can't eat, she can't talk and it's heart-breaking when I look at her. shortly after our arrival, she was forced to sit and feed with water only. it's been a day since she had her last dinner. mum sat beside her, fed her some water with a syringe. her unconsciousness made my mum worried more, afraid that she can't recognize us so she called her for numerous times and for seconds grandmother opened her eyes and then closed it back again very quickly, mum choked with words and sobbed.


Sunday afternoon, after we had our lunch, the youngest aunt came back, when she discovered that grandma had nothing to eat for past two days, she went furious and cried. yeah, it was tension, we, the youngsters can really do nothing but watch and cry. she asked the ambulance to take grandma to hospital, saying that there got nurses to take care of her. the rest agreed without a word. the ambulance took some minutes to reach (when I said some minutes, I mean more than half an hour). all of us in the living room, watching grandma being checked and then when that nurse came back again, she's gone.


too much of stories, too little time to tell. grandma's only regret was, I think, one of the uncle can't get back on time. yeah, tears shed and now, all her left are memories.




we often says we'll appreciate everything around us but we never did.

Sunday

Stayed at ipoh for few days. Grandma passed away on sunday, approximately 2:30p.m.

Great people with Jerk Parents

they said, "many great people have jerk parents,"
thus, the conclusion will be:

Great people have jerk parents. 

 Lousy people have great parents. 

My parents are neither jerk nor great; and does it mean this makes me an ordinary man for the rest of my life?

but I'd swear I'm going to be famous one day......

Grown Up.

I often argue with my parents especially my father. is there anyone that are able stand their parents when they scolded you for nothing? yes, misunderstanding occurs almost everyday but they never try to communicate, nor apologize when they did something wrong, plus I'm short-tempered and this worsen the situation every time.
about my mom, well, she's not highly educated and that made her a lousy listener so she gives me cold shoulders every time I tend to talk to her. She's sarcastic ! and I know I can't expect her to be sophisticated like some moms out there and in the end I decided to give up in having conversation with her.




As my age increases, my resentment grow as well. leaving home and spend night over friends' place aren't fresh to me anymore. pressures given by the family, not only from parents but from uncles and aunties as well are driving me crazy sometimes. they wanted to sculpt a successful figure in the family so they demands everything to turn up perfectly. I'm not a rebellious kind of person so I listened to them all the time, with a stiff smile on my face but I wonder if they'll ever notice that I know well what am I doing actually?


Growing up in a big family ain't easy. you'll have to care about everyone's feeling and behave very carefully so that you won't be talked behind.


I'm 20 this year. I've been closing one of my eyes all these time, and tried to follow their commands blindly. I know that the intention was good, but I want to do what I like to do. I skipped the family gathering lately as I don't want to be lectured on what or how should I do in order to be success in the future...




and HELL, I hope they won't see this.