Crisis.

seriously I don't know how to start all these. it's been quite some while since I did my last reading. okay, let's begin with what I'd done lately. being emotional most of the time, like, probably half of the month of July. I tried to be as optimistic as I can, so I do what I can do to distract myself. however, problems seems to be coming constantly, and it worsen my mood more when I wanted to be alone so badly, but I just can't get rid of those annoyances around me. sometimes, I feel like wanted to call someone, but I didn't. I just need more time to think back on what's wrong with me, and what's waiting ahead to be solve by all my own.

I don't know what to do.

I have been having myself in this state for so long. I know I'm not alone, and I know that my family are always there to help me to deal with my uncertainties. but how are they gonna help me, when we never had a real and serious conversation before? and this is one of the factor that pushed me into emoness. repeating the same routines everyday made me had the thought, that life is meaningless. I had waste my years in high school, I had waste my time on fooling around like a kid. and now, everything seemed so out of reach. even though I tried to get them.

my family wanted me to be a real man. and I want it either. In fact, I told myself that I must do something to overcome my family's financial problem at the moment, but I can't do anything. everything is out of order. and it saddening more when I discovered that I ain't going nowhere... I'm stucked. unlike all my cousins that leading a carefree life and pursuing their dreams here, or overseas, I'm going nowhere in no time. I had to say, I'm useless and disgraceful. shame on myself. but I don't care, honestly. and this made my family started to give up on me. I know, my own fault. only if I got strong determination.

you might have no idea on what am I talking about. even myself are not sure what I'm trying to tell. like I said, I'm a mess. and, you'll have to notice by your own if I have any updates next time. I don't wanted to be categorized as an attention seeker.

I'm not Emo.

went to Bon Odori, a Japanese Festival with my cousins last Saturday. it was my first time to be there and danced like a madman. It was, indeed a happy evening. let the photos do the talking and here's some of the photos I stole from my cousin:

arranged in random order, forgive my laziness.

we looked happy right? yeah, we were, definitely.
and, the end of the happy-talking already. don't know what is so wrong with me these days. too much of contagious dramas have been sipped into my brain and now it's showing the sign that I'm getting emotional lately. okay, for your information, my schedule was packed for last two weeks, hanging out with friends sure made my days joyful, however, there's something rolling in my mind. I'm not sure what it may be but it might be David Cook's Permanent-effect still affecting me I guess, lol.

Emo songs are for Emo-s. obviously, I'm not in this Emo group but why am I still listening to them. what the hell... yeah, and I'm obviously in the state of denial. I'm emo, I'm emo, I'm emo.

I'm emo because nothing's going smoothly,

I'm emo because my life's a mess,

and I'm emo because of everything.

lastly, share you guys another emo song, whether you'd listen to it before or not, enjoy the emo-ness.

XOXO, later.

Permanent.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won't go away today

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

I know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it's all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away but still you say

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent, I'm permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry

okay, I'm not emo. not really. I'm just being sentimental. The song is nice and the lyrics was like cemented in my mind. and I forgot how many times I had hit the replay button for the past minutes. 

What a life.

"when was the last time you laughed from the bottom of your heart?"

this is definitely not a question for myself since ages ago.

everyone knows that I laughs a lot, but they never doubt whether I'm laughing naturally, or am I just forcing out a laugh.

yeah it's true that no one will ever care, that you're having problems or not.

face the reality. they won't stop moving on just to pay attention on you. wei yoong, it's time to wake up.

apparently I've been thinking too much lately but the fact is I'm getting more and more irritated, and I got the feeling that I'm might not be who I used to be in the past. for quite some while, guilty is all I can feel; guilty for being ignorant, guilty for being arrogant and much, much more. I may not show how I feel in front of the people, but sometimes that feeling hurts me so bad that I would think I should be send into asylum.

no harm to sound serious. I've been in a joker-mode for so long and everyone thinks that I got nothing to worry about. I'm indeed a happy-go-lucky type but I've got some issues to deal with, too. seriously, if I'm really that optimistic, I'll be spending my time in a nuthouse right now.

thing changes, people changes.

all good things will eventually come to an end.

although I tries to enjoy my life all the time, life just can't stop throwing lemon into me. and every time I made it a lemonade, exhausted, here comes another...