20.

if for numerous time things went wrongly, you will eventually realize that you are the source where the problems came from. and for countless time I had cheated myself, telling that everything is gonna be in the way at the end, and keep on living in my dream. cousins' talks on Monday was like a big hit on my head, and it wakes me out of the hell.
yes, cousins' help sure is much better than any of the elder in the family. they do know what's in my mind, not much, but at least they can guess what's inside my head as they are just elder by me few years.


I'm 20 this year. there's still a long way for me to go in order to get what I wanted. as YingFei said, don't live in denial anymore.
I know I've wasting too much of time waiting for an answer that would take me so long. thus, waste no time, I need to confirm everything and work for my future. further my studies will be my first priority. and I know this will cause another commotion in the family. but I'll do well. 


lastly, here's a song for my summer. sharing is caring.

XOXO.

Crisis.

seriously I don't know how to start all these. it's been quite some while since I did my last reading. okay, let's begin with what I'd done lately. being emotional most of the time, like, probably half of the month of July. I tried to be as optimistic as I can, so I do what I can do to distract myself. however, problems seems to be coming constantly, and it worsen my mood more when I wanted to be alone so badly, but I just can't get rid of those annoyances around me. sometimes, I feel like wanted to call someone, but I didn't. I just need more time to think back on what's wrong with me, and what's waiting ahead to be solve by all my own.

I don't know what to do.

I have been having myself in this state for so long. I know I'm not alone, and I know that my family are always there to help me to deal with my uncertainties. but how are they gonna help me, when we never had a real and serious conversation before? and this is one of the factor that pushed me into emoness. repeating the same routines everyday made me had the thought, that life is meaningless. I had waste my years in high school, I had waste my time on fooling around like a kid. and now, everything seemed so out of reach. even though I tried to get them.

my family wanted me to be a real man. and I want it either. In fact, I told myself that I must do something to overcome my family's financial problem at the moment, but I can't do anything. everything is out of order. and it saddening more when I discovered that I ain't going nowhere... I'm stucked. unlike all my cousins that leading a carefree life and pursuing their dreams here, or overseas, I'm going nowhere in no time. I had to say, I'm useless and disgraceful. shame on myself. but I don't care, honestly. and this made my family started to give up on me. I know, my own fault. only if I got strong determination.

you might have no idea on what am I talking about. even myself are not sure what I'm trying to tell. like I said, I'm a mess. and, you'll have to notice by your own if I have any updates next time. I don't wanted to be categorized as an attention seeker.

I'm not Emo.

went to Bon Odori, a Japanese Festival with my cousins last Saturday. it was my first time to be there and danced like a madman. It was, indeed a happy evening. let the photos do the talking and here's some of the photos I stole from my cousin:

arranged in random order, forgive my laziness.

we looked happy right? yeah, we were, definitely.
and, the end of the happy-talking already. don't know what is so wrong with me these days. too much of contagious dramas have been sipped into my brain and now it's showing the sign that I'm getting emotional lately. okay, for your information, my schedule was packed for last two weeks, hanging out with friends sure made my days joyful, however, there's something rolling in my mind. I'm not sure what it may be but it might be David Cook's Permanent-effect still affecting me I guess, lol.

Emo songs are for Emo-s. obviously, I'm not in this Emo group but why am I still listening to them. what the hell... yeah, and I'm obviously in the state of denial. I'm emo, I'm emo, I'm emo.

I'm emo because nothing's going smoothly,

I'm emo because my life's a mess,

and I'm emo because of everything.

lastly, share you guys another emo song, whether you'd listen to it before or not, enjoy the emo-ness.

XOXO, later.

Permanent.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
Even if I tell you I won't go away today

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent

I know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask, oh God is there some way for me to take his place?
And when they say it's all touch and go
I wish I could make it go away but still you say

Will you think that you're all alone
When no one's there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away
And everything is temporary, rest your head
I'm permanent, I'm permanent

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry

okay, I'm not emo. not really. I'm just being sentimental. The song is nice and the lyrics was like cemented in my mind. and I forgot how many times I had hit the replay button for the past minutes. 

Totally random.

okay, apparently I've been snake-d into Malacca and had a blast weekends with friends. although it's not a big group tour and my legs are pain as hell for walking here and there, as long as I'm having fun, it doesn't matter.


well, well, well. I have to say tonnes of things happened. lots of surprises, and lots of frustrations. surprises are not to be reveal, 'cause I've got SOMEBODY watching at the back. so, figure this surprise out by your own.
frustrations? yeah, sure did! watching people around you changed into another person is definitely not an easy one. let's be clear. I do know and I can still accept the fact that it's absolutely normal that a person change, according to the position he/she's in, BUT not into an unreasonable one. Picking up fights with me without letting me know what the problem is will only make me an explosive. got to be frank that till now I'm still kind of pissed. sorry to tell but you'd really got on my nerve these days.


Jennie's going back to Australia very soon. we'd spent time during the trip to Malacca and dinners. although we know each other not that long and we can hardly know what's in our mind, I just get the feeling that she's a good friend. well, for those who know me well, I'd rather die than giving compliments, even if I'm giving one, please note that it is a sarcasm. this time is different. she's a really good friend! I'm saying this because she bribed me with (organic) chocolate from Australia. and guess whose JENNIE~

done, skip to another. okay, I "tweet-ed" lately. although I didn't know how does it works out but I enjoy following my 'best friends': Paris and Perez Hilton, lol. well, guess I'll have to change my name into Piranha Hilton someday later, so I may be famous as them one day. *cough*

 *copyrights reserved.*

Hey guys we are
Paris : Paris Hilton
Perez : Perez Hilton
Me    : Piranha Hilton


......
yes, call me Piranha Hilton, when I'm famous. XOXO

Sibling Rivalry.

yes, here am I, to discuss my family matters, again. last time I've talked about my dad and felt sorry for it, plus I got stabbed by relatives from behind so this time, no more daddy and mommy stuffs today as I finally figured out; do not accuse your parents when you don't know what have they been through. okay, back to the topic, I'm definitely not a kind a patient guy, especially when I'm dealing with my siblings. well, FYI I have got one sister, an elder brother and a younger one, and we do not talk to each other. the conversations between us in a day will never exceed 5 sentences.

for some reasons unclear, I hated them in every way, and the one I hated the most will be my sister. She's an ultimate-completed form of a b*tch. I could never see anyone that is more than a b*tch like her. she's got a big mouth that complains almost everything and I couldn't stand her stupid noises when she's eating. she chews like no one is around and the noise is so darn irritating. and every time I flashed her an angry look, she pretend like she didn't see it. besides, she's got an even uglier attitude. she's selfish, self-centered, fake. and not to mention she's going to get married by September or October I forgot and HELL, I can never imagine she'd actually found a guy that can tolerate with her idiotic-stupidity and nonsenses. I know, sounds disrespectful but I'm just telling the truth.


looking all the people around me can mixed up so well with their siblings makes my hair stand. they can chat and share secrets like friends while we argued and keep secrets to ourselves like rivals. we don't even share things like shirts and soaps and shampoos. not just that, we even got things that we can't lay our hands on. bolsters, pillow, bed and blanket. funny right? yeah, that's rule number one: No Sharing.


seriously I don't know how or when we developed selfishness among ourselves.  I'm more generous towards my friends and almost everyone, but not my siblings. no matter how many times my parents taught me to be kind and generous to them, I just let it slipped away through my right ear. I mean, why should I treat them that good while they treated me badly? especially my sister. scram for all I care!